April 2: Afraid of What You'll Find

Maybe the real reason the notebook is still blank is that you’re afraid of what’s on the other side of it.

There’s a quiet fear in a lot of people starting Step Four. If you look honestly, you might find out you really are as bad as you’ve suspected on your worst nights. So you keep the lid on.

David prayed something remarkable here. He didn’t ask God to look away. He asked God to search him, to know his heart, to test his anxious thoughts. And he asked it at the end of a psalm about how completely God already knows him. Before a word is on his tongue, God knows it. Before he was born, God saw him.

That changes everything about an inventory. You aren’t uncovering something God will be shocked by. Nothing on your page will be news to Him. The only one who will be surprised is you, and maybe not even you. Most people find that what they feared was worse in the dark than it is on paper.

David also asked to be led in the everlasting way. Searching isn’t the destination. It’s how God gets you out of the old road and onto a new one. The fear says the inventory will crush you. God says it will free you.

It’s also worth saying: you won’t find only bad things. Honest looking turns up courage you forgot you had, people you’ve loved well, and ways God carried you even when you weren’t looking for Him. Write those down too when you see them.

If the fear is loud today, name it. Write it in the margin: afraid of what I’ll find. That’s already honest work. Fears get their own list later in this step, and this one can be the first entry.

One thing today

Pray this psalm out loud, slowly, once in the morning and once at night. Then write down one resentment, even a small one. Let it be the start.

A prayer

God, You already know me completely, and You haven’t turned away. Search me, and show me what I need to see. Lead me in the way that lasts, and hold me steady while I look. Amen.

More on the written inventory: Step Four.

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