December 18: Honoring Parents Who Hurt You

You’re going to see your parents soon. Part of you is looking forward to it. Part of you is dreading it.

Family relationships are rarely simple. And for many people in recovery, the relationship with parents is the most complicated of all. Maybe your parents drank too. Maybe they were harsh, or distant, or never around. Maybe they did their best and you hurt them badly during your drinking years. Maybe it’s a mix of all of it.

Christmas brings families together, which means it brings all of that together too. Old dynamics. Old wounds. Old roles. It can be beautiful and painful in the same afternoon.

Paul tells believers to be tenderly affectionate to one another, and to outdo one another in showing honor. That’s a high bar. It’s also a hopeful one. It suggests that even complicated relationships can have warmth and respect in them. Not perfection. Warmth and respect.

Step Twelve asks you to practice these principles in all your affairs. That includes your family of origin. The patience, honesty and humility you’ve learned in recovery can be used here. You can be kind even when you’re not treated kindly. You can listen without needing to fix them. You can show respect without agreeing with everything they say.

Honoring parents doesn’t mean letting them hurt you. If a parent is abusive or still actively drinking in a way that puts you at risk, keeping healthy distance is wise. You can honor someone from a distance. You can pray for them. You can wish them well. You don’t have to put yourself in danger.

But for many people, the problem isn’t danger. It’s just old friction. The same comments, the same buttons. In those cases, small acts of honor can change a lot. Thank them for something specific. Ask about their life. Help with the dishes. Tell them you love them, if you can say it honestly.

And if you owe them amends you haven’t made yet, the holidays may be a natural time to start.

One thing today

Think of one specific thing you can thank your parents for, even if the relationship is hard. Tell them, by phone, card or in person, before Christmas.

A prayer

Lord, my family is complicated. Help me honor my parents in the ways I can. Give me warmth where there’s been coldness, and wisdom where I need boundaries. Let my changed life be a quiet witness. Amen.

Practicing principles with family is part of Step Twelve.

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