September 11: When They Won't Hear It
You worked up the courage. You prepared. You said it right. And they told you to get lost. Or worse, they used it to tear into you. Was it a mistake to even try?
“Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”
Peter says to be like-minded, compassionate, loving as brothers, tenderhearted and humble. Don’t repay evil for evil or insult for insult. Instead, bless. That’s what you were called to do, so that you may inherit a blessing.
Not every amends goes well. Some people aren’t ready to hear it. Some are still very hurt. Some will never forgive you. That’s their right. You hurt them, and they get to respond how they respond.
Step Nine asks you to do your part. It doesn’t promise they’ll do theirs. Your job was to go in a helpful, humble spirit, admit your wrong, and offer to make it right. If you did that, you did the step. Their reaction doesn’t undo it.
The danger after a rejected amends is resentment. You might think, “I humbled myself and they threw it in my face.” Pride wants to fight back. Peter says don’t. No insult for insult. Bless them instead. Pray for them. Wish them well.
Also, watch yourself closely after a hard amends. Rejection can stir up old feelings and old cravings. Call your sponsor right away. Go to a meeting. Don’t sit alone with it.
Some people soften over time. A door that slams today may open in a year. Keep living differently. Keep praying for them. If the door ever opens, be ready. If it never does, you can still have peace, because you did your part.
If you use Steps & Scripture, talking a rejected amends through with Jimmy or Sarah can help you sort out what was yours and what wasn’t.
One thing today
If an amends went badly, call your sponsor today and talk it through. Then pray a blessing over that person, by name, even if it’s hard.
A prayer
Lord, that hurt. I tried to make it right and they wouldn’t hear it. Keep me from bitterness. Help me bless them instead of fighting back, and give me peace that I did my part. Amen.
If the rejection stirs up the urge to drink, the alcohol cravings page has help for right now.
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