September 20: When You Kept Silent
There’s a thing you haven’t made right yet. You don’t think about it much. But it sits there, a low weight in your chest. Have you noticed how tired you are?
“For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
David describes it well. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. Day and night your hand was heavy on me. My strength dried up like in the heat of summer. Then he says, I acknowledged my sin to you. I didn’t hide my iniquity. And you forgave.
Keeping silent is exhausting. Carrying unmade amends is like carrying a backpack full of rocks everywhere you go. You get used to it. You forget it’s there. But it wears you out. It affects your sleep, your mood, your body.
David found relief when he stopped hiding. He told God the truth. And God forgave him. That’s the first relief. You’ve likely already felt some of it, back in Step Five, when you told God and another person.
Step Nine brings another kind of relief. Making things right with people. Many people describe a lightness after an amends, even a hard one. A weight they didn’t know they were carrying is suddenly gone. They sleep better. They stand up straighter.
That doesn’t happen with every amends. Some are just hard and stay hard. But the weight of silence is often worse than the weight of honesty.
If there’s an amends you’ve been avoiding, notice what it’s costing you. Is it affecting your sleep? Your mood? Your sobriety? Talk it over with your sponsor. Look at whether it’s time.
Read the rest of Psalm 32 in your own Bible. It ends with joy. Shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart. That’s where honesty leads.
One thing today
Name the amends you’ve been most avoiding. Write down one way it’s weighing on you. Then tell your sponsor about it this week.
A prayer
Lord, I’ve been keeping silent and it’s wearing me out. Thank You that You forgive when I tell the truth. Give me the courage to make things right, and let me feel the weight lift. Amen.
Step Nine is where the weight of silence starts to come off.
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