September 9: Seeking the Other Person's Good

There’s a secret from the drinking years. Maybe an affair. Maybe a relationship you never talked about. You feel a strong pull to confess it to someone. Would that be an amends, or something else?

Paul says all things may be lawful, but not all things are helpful. Not all things build up. Let no one seek their own good, but the good of the other person.

This is very important in Step Nine. Some amends can do more harm than good. Confessing an affair to someone’s unsuspecting spouse. Contacting a former partner who has moved on and built a new family. Telling details that drag other people’s names into your story. These might make you feel lighter. But they can wreck other people’s lives.

Step Nine says to make amends except when doing so would injure them or others. That’s not a loophole. It’s love. An amends that eases your guilt by putting pain on someone else is not really an amends. It’s moving your burden onto their shoulders.

So with affairs and former partners, slow down. Before you say anything to anyone, talk it over with a human sponsor or a pastor. Tell them the whole story. Let them help you think about who could be hurt and how. This is not a decision to make by yourself, or in the middle of a sleepless night.

Sometimes the right answer is a direct, careful conversation. Sometimes it’s honesty with your own spouse, handled wisely, maybe with a pastor present. Sometimes it’s a living amends: being faithful, being honest, never going back. Sometimes it’s praying for the other person and leaving them in peace.

The question to keep asking is Paul’s. Whose good am I seeking? Mine, or theirs?

One thing today

If your list includes an affair or a former partner, write “talk it over first” next to it. Then set a time to meet with your sponsor or pastor before taking any step.

A prayer

Lord, I want to feel clean, but I don’t want to hurt anyone else to get there. Help me seek the good of others, not just my own relief. Give me wise counsel for these hard names. Amen.

The Step Nine page covers amends that could injure others.

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