How to Talk to Someone About Their Drinking
To talk to someone about their drinking, wait for a calm, sober moment, speak privately, describe specific things you’ve seen, say how they affect you, and ask for one small step. Keep it short. Don’t label, lecture or argue. You can’t control how they respond, but you can say the truth with love and leave the door open.
What Scripture says about hard conversations
The Bible’s pattern for confronting someone starts in private.
“Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”
It also asks for gentleness, especially from the one bringing it up.
“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”
Gentle doesn’t mean vague. Proverbs says honest words from a friend are worth more than easy flattery.
“Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
Before you talk
Pray first. Ask God for the right time and right words, and for your own heart to be calm.
Pick the moment. Morning, sober, no rush, no audience. Never while they’re drinking or hung over and irritable.
Write down two or three facts. Specific, recent, and things you saw yourself. “Friday you didn’t remember driving home.” “You missed Sam’s game for the second time.”
Decide your one ask. See a doctor. Talk to the pastor. Try a meeting. Go 30 days without a drink. Just one.
Decide your limit. What will you do if nothing changes? Make it something you’ll actually carry out.
What to say
A simple shape works well:
- Love. “I love you, and I’m saying this because I care.”
- What I’ve seen. “Last week you drank until you fell asleep at the table. On Saturday you yelled at the kids and didn’t remember it.”
- How it affects me. “I’m scared. I’m tired of making excuses.”
- One ask. “Would you see a doctor with me this week?”
- The door. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll help you find help any time you want it.”
Use “I” more than “you.” Stick to facts you saw. Stop talking once you’ve said it.
What not to say
- “You’re an alcoholic.” Let them get there.
- “You always” or “you never.” They’ll argue the exceptions.
- Comparisons to someone else’s drunk relative.
- Threats you won’t keep.
- Bible verses fired like arrows. Scripture is better prayed over them than thrown at them.
How they might respond
“I don’t have a problem.” Don’t argue. “Okay. I’ve told you what I see. I’ll leave it with you.” Then keep your limit.
Anger. Stay calm and end it kindly. “I can see this is hard to hear. We can talk another time.” If they become threatening, leave. Call 911 if you’re in danger. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
“You drink too.” That may be fair. Own it briefly if it’s true. Then come back to the point.
Tears or shame. Be kind. Shame isn’t the goal. Remind them God’s mercy is real, and point them to Will God forgive me for drinking?
“Yes, I need help.” Have a next step ready, starting with a doctor.
Safety first. If you drink heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Talk to a doctor before you quit.
If it’s a friend, a parent or a coworker
The same shape works outside marriage, with a few changes.
- A friend: you have less leverage and more freedom. Keep it short and personal. “I miss you sober. I’m worried.”
- An aging parent: be respectful, and focus on safety: falls, driving, medicines mixed with alcohol. Bring in a sibling if you can, and their doctor.
- A coworker: unless you’re close, it may be better to talk to a supervisor or an employee help program than to confront them yourself. If they’re unsafe on the job, say so to someone who can act.
Have something to hand them
If they’re open, it helps to have more than a phone number. You could show them Steps & Scripture, an app where an AI sponsor walks with them through the Twelve Steps with Scripture and keeps pointing them to meetings, church and a human sponsor. Hand it over and let it be theirs.
After the talk
Whatever happens, take care of yourself. Talk to a friend or a pastor. Al-Anon and church-based family recovery groups are good places to process it with people who’ve been through the same talk. We’re not part of Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., or any recovery organization.
If they’re not ready, keep praying and keep your limits. One honest conversation is rarely wasted, even if it seems to bounce off.
Try this today
Write out your five lines: love, what you’ve seen, how it affects you, one ask, and the open door. Read them aloud once. Then pray over them.
A prayer before you talk
“Lord, I’m nervous. Go before me into this conversation. Give me gentle words and a steady voice. Help them hear love under the hard truth. Whatever they say, keep my heart from bitterness. Amen.”
Not sure it’s a real problem yet? Read How much drinking is too much?
Common questions
Should I call it alcoholism?
Usually not, at least at first. Labels invite arguments. Describe what you've seen and how it affects you. If they come to use the word themselves, that's their recognition, not yours to force.
What if they get angry?
Stay calm, don't argue, and end the talk kindly if it heats up. You can say, I love you and I'll bring this up again another time. Anger is a common first reaction. If they become threatening, leave and get safe.
Should I do an intervention?
Planned family interventions can go well or badly. If you're considering one, get guidance first from a counselor or a professional who has run them. A simple, honest talk from one or two people is often the place to start.
How many times should I bring it up?
Not every day. Say it clearly once, then let your actions and limits do most of the talking. Bring it up again when something new happens, or when they seem open.
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