My Adult Son or Daughter Drinks Too Much
When your adult son or daughter drinks too much, you can’t make them stop, and it isn’t your fault that they drink. What you can do is tell them the truth with love, stop paying for the drinking, offer help that points toward recovery, and keep praying and waiting the way the father in the prodigal son story did. Your love doesn’t have to end. Your rescuing might need to.
The ache of a parent
It’s one thing when a small child is in trouble. You step in. When your child is 25 or 40, stepping in looks different, and often makes things worse. You may be grieving the person they used to be, or afraid of a phone call in the night. You may be second-guessing every choice you made raising them.
God understands a parent’s grief. King David cried out when his son Absalom died, wishing he had died in his place.
“And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!”
You are not the cause
Many parents carry quiet guilt: “Where did I go wrong?” The Bible is clear that each adult stands before God for their own choices.
“The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.”
You can be honest about your failures as a parent and ask forgiveness where it’s needed. You can also put down the belief that you caused their drinking or can undo it.
The father who waited
Jesus’ story of the prodigal son is a story for parents too. The father let his son go. He didn’t chase him into the far country with more money. And when the son came home, the father was watching the road.
“And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.”
That’s the posture: a loving, open door, without funding the far country.
What helps
Say it once, clearly. At a sober moment: “I love you. I’m worried about your drinking. I’ll help you get help any time you want it.” See How to talk to someone about their drinking.
Pay for help, not habits. A doctor’s visit, a counselor, rehab, a ride to a meeting, a grocery run. Not cash, bar tabs, or bail after bail.
Set clear house rules if they live with you. No drinking at home. Steps toward help. What happens if the rules are broken.
Stay in touch. A text, a meal, a birthday card. Let them know you haven’t given up on them.
Keep loving their kids. Grandchildren need sober, steady adults.
What doesn’t help
- Paying their way out of every consequence.
- Long lectures, or reminding them how much you’ve sacrificed.
- Pretending to the rest of the family that everything’s fine.
- Letting your marriage or your other children fade into the background.
Read Enabling vs loving for help seeing the difference.
Care for yourself as a parent
You need support. Al-Anon groups welcome parents of people who drink, and many churches have recovery ministries with groups for families. Sitting with other mothers and fathers who’ve lived this can be a lifeline. Steps & Scripture is not affiliated with Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., or any recovery organization.
If you’re married, guard your marriage. Parents often disagree about how to handle a child’s drinking. Talk to a pastor or counselor together before it divides you.
Your other children
Brothers and sisters often feel forgotten while everyone worries about one child. Some are angry at the sibling who drinks, and some are angry at you for how much you give. Make time for them. Ask how they’re doing, and listen. Don’t ask them to manage their sibling, lend money, or keep secrets for you.
When there’s danger
If your child is suicidal, call or text 988, or call 911. If they’re driving drunk, call 911. If grandchildren are at risk, call 911 or child protective services. If your child threatens or hurts you, call 911 and get somewhere safe. Loving them never means staying in harm’s way.
When they’re ready
If your son or daughter says they want help, the first step is a doctor, especially if they’ve been drinking heavily every day.
Safety first. If you drink heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Talk to a doctor before you quit.
Steps & Scripture can be something you hand them. Their AI sponsor, Jimmy for sons and Sarah for daughters, walks the Twelve Steps with them with Scripture and prayer, and keeps pushing them toward meetings, church and a real sponsor. Give it to them, then step back. It’s their recovery, and their chats are private.
Questions for you this week
- Where am I paying for drinking without meaning to?
- What is one thing I’ll stop doing, and one help I’ll keep offering?
- Who is praying with me about my child?
A prayer for a parent
“Father, You know what it’s like to love a child who wanders. I can’t carry them anymore. Keep them safe. Bring them to their senses. Put the right people in their path. And keep my heart soft and my porch light on. Amen.”
For more words to pray, see A prayer for my son with addiction.
Common questions
Is it my fault my child drinks?
No. Every parent makes mistakes, and it's fine to own yours. But an adult who drinks is making their own choices. The Bible says each person answers for their own life.
Should I let my adult child live at home if they're drinking?
That's a hard call that depends on safety, other people in the home, and whether they're willing to get help. Many parents allow it only with clear rules, such as no drinking at home and steps toward help. Talk it through with your pastor or a counselor.
Should I give them money?
Cash given to someone who's drinking often ends up paying for drinking. Many parents pay for specific needs directly, like a doctor, groceries or rent paid to the landlord, instead of handing over money.
What about my grandchildren?
If grandchildren are in danger because a parent is drunk, call 911 or your local child protective services. Short of danger, being a steady, sober presence in their lives is a gift.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
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