Dealing With Resentments in Sobriety: A Practical Guide
To deal with a resentment in sobriety, get it out of your head and onto paper, look for your own part, pray for the person, and talk it over with someone you trust. Then act on what you find: an apology, a boundary, or simply letting it go. Resentment you keep replaying is one of the surest roads back to a drink, so it’s worth handling on purpose.
If you want the background on what resentment is and why recovery takes it so seriously, read our page on resentment. This page is about what to do with one.
Step one: write it down
Take a sheet of paper and make four columns:
- Who I’m resentful at.
- What they did.
- What it touched in me: my pride, my security, my money, my relationships, my sense of safety.
- My part. Where was I selfish, dishonest, afraid or inconsiderate?
The fourth column is the hard one. It isn’t about excusing them. It’s about finding the piece you can actually change. This is the same pattern the Step 4 inventory uses, done on a smaller scale for one person.
Step two: ask a few honest questions
- Am I replaying this to feel justified?
- Have I told this story to more than three people?
- Is any part of it still happening, or is it only happening in my head?
- What would it cost me to let this go? What is it costing me to keep it?
Step three: pray for them
This is the part most people resist. Pray for the person you resent, every day, for two weeks. Ask God to give them the good things you’d want for yourself: health, peace, a closer walk with Him. You don’t have to mean it at first. Many people find their heart catches up.
“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”
Jesus doesn’t ask us to feel warmly toward enemies. He asks us to pray for them. Feelings often follow.
Step four: talk it over
Read what you wrote to a sponsor, a pastor or a trusted friend in recovery. Say it out loud, all of it, including the parts that make you look bad. Another person will often see your part more clearly than you can, and say it more gently than you’d expect.
Step five: act on what you found
Depending on what you learned:
- If you owe an apology, make it short and clean. Our page on amends explains how.
- If you need a boundary, set one calmly. Less contact. A clear line.
- If it’s out of your hands, hand it to God, and keep handing it over each time it comes back.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.””
Letting go of revenge isn’t saying it didn’t matter. It’s trusting God to judge better than you can.
Keep it from coming back
Resentments grow back fast if no one’s watching. A few minutes at the end of each day, asking “Who am I upset with? What’s my part?”, catches new ones before they take root. That’s a big part of Step 10.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Put away bitterness. Be kind and forgiving, the way you’ve been forgiven.
Safety first. If you drink heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Talk to a doctor before you quit.
A place to sort it out
Steps & Scripture has step worksheets you can fill out on your phone, including a resentment inventory, and Jimmy or Sarah, the AI sponsors, can walk you through finding your part. They’ll still tell you to read it to a human sponsor.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
A prayer for someone I resent
“Lord, I’m holding onto something against this person, and it’s eating at me. I don’t feel like praying for them, but I’m asking You to bless them anyway. Show me my part. Take the rest. Free me from replaying it, so I can stay sober and at peace. Amen.”
Common questions
Do I have to forgive someone who isn't sorry?
Forgiveness is about releasing your claim to get even, not about pretending it was fine or trusting them again. You can forgive someone who never apologizes, and you can still keep healthy boundaries.
What if the resentment is against God?
Be honest about it. The Psalms are full of people telling God exactly how upset they were. Bring it to Him plainly, and talk it over with a sponsor or pastor.
What if the person I resent is in my house?
Write it out and talk it through with someone outside the house before you raise it at home. If you're not safe, safety comes first. Call 911 in an emergency.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
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