Amends: Meaning in 12-Step Recovery
Amends are the work of setting right the wrongs you did. An apology says “I’m sorry.” Amends go further: you admit exactly what you did, and you do what you reasonably can to repair it, whether that’s repaying a debt, owning a lie, or treating someone differently from now on.
How amends work in the steps
Step 8 is making a list of everyone you’ve harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 is actually doing it, directly, wherever possible, except when doing so would injure them or others.
Most people work through amends with a sponsor’s help. A sponsor helps you sort out what to say, what to leave unsaid, and which amends could hurt someone. A typical direct amends is short: what I did, that it was wrong, and what I can do to make it right. Then you listen, and you don’t argue with how the other person responds.
Some amends can’t be made face to face. The person may have died, or contact may be unsafe. People handle those through a letter they never send, a gift to a cause, or a changed life. See living amends.
What Scripture says
Jesus put reconciliation ahead of worship.
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
When Zacchaeus met Jesus, he didn’t just feel sorry. He paid people back, and then some (Luke 19:8).
Try this
Write down one name you already know belongs on your list. You don’t have to do anything yet. Just pray for that person today.
For the full step, read Step 9: making direct amends.
Common questions
What's the difference between an apology and amends?
An apology says you're sorry. Amends set things right as far as you can: paying back money, telling the truth you hid, changing how you treat someone.
Do I have to make amends to someone who hurt me?
Your amends cover your part only. You don't excuse what they did. If contact would be unsafe, talk with your sponsor or pastor about another way.
When should I not make amends?
When it would injure that person or others, such as reopening a wound they've healed from or revealing something that harms a third person. Get counsel first.
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