October 27: Being Right Versus Being Kind
You were right. You proved it. So why does the room feel colder?
“For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.”
Maybe it was about the directions. A date. Something your spouse remembered wrong. A detail at work. And you knew you were right, so you kept pushing until they admitted it. You won. Then everyone got quiet, and you noticed nobody felt like talking to you for a while.
Pride is sneaky in recovery. It doesn’t always look like arrogance. Sometimes it looks like being the one who knows. Being the one who corrects. Being the one who needs to have the last word, even on small things. It can feel like honesty. It’s often something else.
Paul tells believers not to think of themselves more highly than they ought, but to think with sober judgment. There’s that word again. Sober. Not just free from alcohol. Clear-eyed. Seeing yourself as you really are. Not better. Not worse. Just accurate.
Sober judgment notices when being right has become more important than being kind. It asks, “Does this need to be corrected? Or do I just need to win?” Most of the time, the honest answer is the second one.
Step Ten is a good place to catch this. When you look back on the day, notice the moments you dug in. Not the big moral stands. The small ones. The petty corrections. The arguments that didn’t matter. Ask what was underneath them. Often it’s fear. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of being overlooked. Fear that if you’re wrong once, you’ll lose respect.
The way out is surprisingly simple. Let some things go. Let people be a little wrong about small things. Say, “You might be right,” even when you’re pretty sure they’re not. Ask more questions and make fewer pronouncements.
And when you’ve pushed too hard, go back and say so. “I was making a big deal out of nothing. Sorry.” It takes the chill out of the room fast.
One thing today
Today, let one small thing go that you’d normally correct. Say nothing, or say, “You could be right.” Notice what happens.
A prayer
Lord, I want to be right more than I want to be loving. Forgive me. Give me sober judgment about myself. Teach me when to speak up and when to let it go. Amen.
Pride and fear show up often in Step Ten.
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