Steps & Scripture

Boundaries Worksheet for Families of a Drinker

This boundaries worksheet helps you decide, ahead of time, what you will and won't do when someone you love is drinking, what you'll say, and what happens if a line is crossed.

A boundary isn't a rule you make for them. It's a decision about you: where you'll be, what you'll pay for, what you'll listen to. You can't make anyone stop drinking. You can stop living your whole life around it.

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Free. No email, no sign-up. A printable PDF worksheet, letter size.

1. What I will and won't do

Think of the moments that keep repeating. For each one, write what you'll do next time and what you'll say. Keep it short enough to remember when you're upset.

When this happensI willI will say
He comes home drunk after midnight.Go to bed. Talk in the morning, not tonight.I'm not going to talk while you've been drinking. We'll talk tomorrow.
   
   

The first row is an example. The PDF has 4 blank rows to fill in.

Things I will stop doing

  • Calling in sick for them, or covering for them with family.
  • Paying for what the drinking costs: fines, lost wages, replaced phones.
  • Pouring out bottles, counting drinks, checking up.
  • Arguing with someone who's drunk.
  • Getting in a car with someone who's been drinking.

2. What I'll say

Say it once. You don't have to explain, defend or win. If you're arguing, the boundary has turned into a debate. Walk away and pray.

Short, calm, and true

  • "I love you. I won't talk about this while you're drinking."
  • "I'm not going to cover for you anymore. You'll need to call them yourself."
  • "I won't ride with you after you've had anything to drink. I'll find my own way."
  • "I'm taking the kids to my sister's tonight. We'll talk when you're sober."
  • "When you're ready to get help, I'll help you find it. I'm here for that."

3. If a boundary is crossed

  1. Which boundary matters most to me right now, and why?
  2. If it's crossed, what will I do? (Something I'm truly willing to follow through on.)
  3. Who will I tell, so I don't talk myself out of it?

4. My safety plan

  • If anyone is in danger, call 911. If you're thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988.
  • If you're being hit, threatened or controlled: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
  • A safe place I can go: ____________________________
  • Keys, phone charger, ID, some cash and medicine in one place I can grab.
  • A code word that tells a friend or my kids to call for help: ______________

5. Taking care of myself

  • Sleep, eat and get outside, even when the house is chaos.
  • Keep one thing each week that's just mine: church, a friend, a walk.
  • Pray for them, then leave them in God's hands for the night.
  • Stop checking their phone, their breath or the recycling.

6. My support

  1. Two people I can call, with their numbers:
  2. A family support group near me (such as Al-Anon or a church group):
  3. My pastor or a counselor I trust:

How to use it

  1. Fill it in on a calm day, not in the middle of a fight.
  2. Start with one or two boundaries you're sure you'll keep. Add more later.
  3. Tell your loved one the boundary once, calmly, when they're sober.
  4. Talk it over with your pastor, a friend or a family support group, and keep the worksheet somewhere private.

Scripture to go with it

“For each will have to bear his own load.”

Galatians 6:5 · ESV

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 · ESV

“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.”

Matthew 5:37 · ESV

“The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.”

Proverbs 22:3 · ESV

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Common questions

Are boundaries unloving or unchristian?

No. A boundary is a way to love without lying or rescuing. Galatians 6 tells us to carry one another's burdens and also that each person carries their own load.

What if they get angry?

They might. Stay calm, say it once, and follow through. If anger turns into threats or violence, leave and call 911 or the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Isn't a boundary just an ultimatum?

An ultimatum tries to control what someone else does. A boundary says what you will do. You only set the ones you're willing to keep.

Where can I get support for myself?

Family support groups such as Al-Anon meet in most towns and online, and many churches have groups for families. Your pastor is a good place to start.