How to Make Amends: A Step-by-Step Guide
To make amends, you go to someone you hurt, say plainly what you did, admit it was wrong without excuses, and ask what you can do to make it right. Then you listen and do what you reasonably can. It works best after you’ve prepared with a sponsor or pastor, and some amends should never be made without their counsel first.
If you want the meaning of the word and how it fits the steps, read Amends. This page is the how-to.
Before you start
Amends are part of a process, not a first move. In the Twelve Steps, people first take an honest inventory, confess it, and then make a list of everyone they harmed (Step 8). The actual amends come in Step 9. Most people wait until they have some steady sobriety and have talked each name through with a sponsor.
Rushing usually means you want relief. That’s understandable, but amends are about the other person, not about making you feel better.
Sort your list
Go through your list with your sponsor or pastor and put each name in one of three groups:
- Ready now. You know what you did, and contact is safe and welcome.
- Wait. You’re not ready, they’re not ready, or the timing would hurt them.
- Get counsel first. These are the risky ones (see below).
The risky ones: talk to a person first
Some amends can cause real damage if you do them alone. Before you act on any of these, talk with a human sponsor or pastor, and a lawyer where the law is involved.
- Money. Stolen or borrowed money, unpaid debts, or money taken from an employer. Paying it back is right, but how you do it matters.
- The law. Anything that could be a crime, like a hit and run or theft. Confessing can have legal consequences for you and others.
- Affairs. Telling a spouse, or contacting the other person, can wound people who never knew. Never confess to relieve your own guilt at someone else’s expense.
- Former partners. Reaching out to an ex can reopen wounds, stir up old patterns, or make them feel unsafe.
If someone has asked you not to contact them, or there’s a court order, honor it. That itself is part of your amends. If there was violence in the relationship, or if anyone is afraid of being hurt, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
Plan what you’ll say
Write it out and practice it with your sponsor. A good amends is short. Something like this:
“I’d like to make amends for how I treated you when I was drinking. I [name the specific thing]. That was wrong, and I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it right?”
Leave out:
- Why you did it (“I was going through a lot”).
- Blame (“Well, you also…”).
- Requests for forgiveness (“Can you forgive me?”). They may offer it, but asking puts pressure on them.
- Long stories about your recovery.
Have the conversation
Ask for a good time to talk, in person if possible. Pray beforehand. Say what you planned, and then stop talking.
Listen to their response, even if it’s angry. Don’t defend yourself. If they tell you things you didn’t know you’d done, accept those too. Thank them for hearing you.
If they ask for something specific, like repayment or a change in behavior, agree to what you can actually do, and then do it.
Make it right in deeds
The Bible’s picture of making things right always included action. Under Moses’ law, someone who wronged another person was to confess and repay in full, plus extra.
“…he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong.”
Zacchaeus did the same when he met Jesus, giving back four times what he’d taken (Luke 19:8). Amends aren’t only words. If you owe money, set up a plan and stick to it. If you broke a promise, keep the next ones.
When you can’t do it face to face
Some people have died. Some can’t be found. Some would be harmed by contact. In those cases, many people write a letter they don’t send, give to a cause the person cared about, or make living amends by treating others differently. Talk with your sponsor about what fits.
Leave the outcome with God
You can’t control how anyone responds. Paul’s guidance is wise here.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
“As much as lieth in you.” Do your part honestly. Their part belongs to them and to God. Jesus said making peace with your brother matters even more than bringing your gift to the altar (Matthew 5:23-24), but He never promised that every door would open.
Safety first. If you drink heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Talk to a doctor before you quit.
Try this first
Pick the easiest name on your “ready now” list. Write out what you’d say in three sentences. Read it to your sponsor or pastor before you do anything else.
A prayer before you go
“Lord, I’m about to face someone I hurt. Give me humility to own what I did without excuses, and the grace to listen without defending myself. Protect them from further harm through me. Whatever they say, let me leave the outcome with You. Amen.”
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
If fear is holding you back, try the prayer for courage to make amends.
Common questions
What do you say when making amends?
Keep it short: name what you did, say it was wrong, and ask what you can do to set it right. Don't explain why you did it or blame the drinking. Then listen, and accept whatever they say.
What if the person won't accept my amends?
Your job is to offer them honestly, not to control the response. Thank them for listening, respect their wishes, and keep living differently. Some people come around later. Some never do.
Should I make amends for an affair or a crime?
Don't do these on your own. Amends involving affairs, former partners, money you took, or anything with legal consequences can hurt other people or yourself badly. Talk them through with a human sponsor or pastor first, and with a lawyer if the law is involved.
When should I start making amends?
Most people wait until they've worked the earlier steps with a sponsor and have some steady sobriety. Rushing amends in the first weeks often comes from wanting to feel better quickly, not from readiness.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
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