How to Cope With an Alcoholic Family Member
To cope with an alcoholic family member, start with safety, then find support for yourself, then decide what you’ll stop doing that makes the drinking easier. You can’t control whether they drink, but you can control your own choices, your words and your boundaries. The details look different for a spouse, a parent, a child or a sibling, so pick your situation below. Five principles help with all of them.
Start with your situation
Each relationship has its own pressures. Choose the one closest to yours:
- A husband who drinks: My husband drinks too much
- A wife who drinks: My wife drinks too much
- A grown son or daughter: My adult son or daughter drinks too much
- Your father: My dad is an alcoholic
- Your mother: My mom drinks too much
- A brother or sister: My brother or sister drinks too much
- A friend: My friend drinks too much
If you share a home with them, also read living with an alcoholic.
Five things that help with anyone
1. Safety comes before everything
Drunk driving, threats, broken things, children in danger: none of these are problems to be patient with. Call 911. If you’re being hurt or controlled, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If your relative talks about suicide, call or text 988. Our crisis page has more.
2. Boundaries are love with a shape
A boundary is what you will do, not what they must do. “I won’t ride in the car when you’ve been drinking.” “I’ll leave the party if you get drunk.” Say it calmly, once, at a sober moment, then keep it. Our guide to setting boundaries with an alcoholic walks through how.
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
Paul says to live at peace “as much as lieth in you.” Some of the peace is out of your hands.
3. Detach with love
Detaching doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop riding every wave of their drinking. You stop checking the bottles, stop arguing at midnight, stop canceling your life to manage theirs. You keep loving them, and you let them face their own choices. If you’re not sure where the line is, read enabling vs loving.
4. Get your own support
People who try to handle this alone wear out. Tell a pastor. Find a counselor. Try a family group such as Al-Anon or a church recovery ministry with a group for relatives. Steps & Scripture isn’t affiliated with Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., or any recovery organization. Most of all, keep at least one friendship where the drinking isn’t the only topic.
5. Pray, and keep praying
Prayer isn’t a last resort. It’s where you put down what you can’t carry and pick up the strength you need for today.
“…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
When you don’t know what to pray, praying for an alcoholic family member has words you can borrow.
Talking to them about it
One honest, sober conversation usually does more than a hundred angry ones. Pick a calm time. Say what you’ve seen, how it affects you, and what help you’ll support. Then stop talking. For a script, see how to talk to someone about their drinking.
When the rest of the family disagrees
It’s common for one relative to keep rescuing while another wants to step back. Arguments about the drinker can take over family dinners. Try to agree on two or three simple things, like no cash and no lying for them. Where you can’t agree, keep your own limits without lecturing anyone else.
Grace for you, too
You may feel anger, grief, embarrassment or guilt, sometimes all in one afternoon. That’s normal. God’s strength shows up most in the places you feel weakest.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
When they want help
The first call should be a doctor, especially after long or heavy drinking, because stopping suddenly can be dangerous.
Safety first. If you drink heavily every day, stopping suddenly can be dangerous. Talk to a doctor before you quit.
Steps & Scripture is one thing you can offer. It pairs them with an AI sponsor, Jimmy for men or Sarah for women, who walks the Twelve Steps with them using Scripture and keeps pushing them toward meetings, church and a real sponsor. It’s free to download, first month free. Offer it, then let it be theirs.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
Three questions for today
- Is everyone in my family safe right now?
- What is one thing I keep doing that makes the drinking easier?
- Who is one person I can call this week for support?
A prayer
“God, I love someone in my family who is losing themselves to drinking. I don’t know how to help, and I’m tired of trying. Show me what’s mine to do and what’s Yours. Keep us all safe. Give me peace that doesn’t depend on whether they drink today. Amen.”
Common questions
Can I make my family member stop drinking?
No. You can tell the truth, stop making drinking easier, and keep offering real help. The choice to stop belongs to them, and so does the work of recovery.
What's the first thing I should do?
Make sure everyone is safe. After that, find support for yourself, whether that's a pastor, a counselor or a family group, before you try to change anything with the person who drinks.
Should I cut them off?
Sometimes distance is necessary, especially if there's abuse or constant chaos. Often a middle path works: limits around when and how you see them. Pray about it and talk it through with someone wise before making a big decision.
How do I handle family members who disagree with me?
Families often split between people who want to rescue and people who want to step back. Try to agree on a few basics together, like no cash and no covering for them. Where you can't agree, keep your own boundaries quietly.
Talk it through with Jimmy or Sarah — first month free
Jimmy and Sarah are AI sponsors who know the Twelve Steps and the Bible. They'll listen, walk the steps with you, and keep pointing you to real people: a meeting, a sponsor, a church.
Free to download · first month free, no card · adults 18+
After the first month, talking with Jimmy or Sarah needs Plus ($9.99/month or $59.99/year).
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